[The following is a FirstDraft -- a machine-generated transcript by our AI, Margaret. She's good, but neither perfect nor human. There will likely be a handful of errors. Please check any quotes against the primary video source. Thank you. Please note the George W. Bush impersonator is quoted by the actor's real name, Steve Bridges.]

  Members of the White House Correspondents Association. Distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen.

  [George W. Bush impersonator.] Here I am.

  Here I am. Another one of these dang press dinners. Could be. I'm asleep. Little birdie curled up at my feet. But no, I got to pretend I like being here. A meteor really ticks me off the way they try to embarrass me by not editing what I say. Well, let's get things going or I'll never get to bed.

  Thank you, Mark. I'm absolutely delighted to be here.

  As is Laura.

  She's hot. Muy caliente.

  As you know, I always look forward to these dinners.

  It's just a bunch of media types. Hollywood liberals, Democrats like Joe Biden. How come I can't have dinner with a 36% of the people who like me? Only thing missing is Hillary Clinton sitting on a front row rolling her ass. There's got to be a friendly face out there somewhere, too. Justice Scalia. Justice Alito. Hey, boys. But it feels good to be out from under those robes.

  Toga, toga, toga, toga.

  Here's -- here's Alex Trebek of Jeopardy! That boy's Smart. He knows a lot. Maybe I should put him on the Supreme Court. Let's see. The Democrats blocked that one.

  You know, it's good to see so many influential guests here tonight. Justice Scalia. Justice Alito.

  Yeah, all the usual suspects. Speaking of suspects, where's the great white hunter?

  I am sorry Vice President Cheney couldn't be here tonight. I agree with the press that Dick was a little late reporting that hunting episode down in Texas. In fact, I didn't know a thing about it until I saw him on America's Most Wanted.

  Cheney. What a goofball. Shot the only trial lawyer in the country who's forming. I tell you, reporters would go nuts if you knew the true story. He was as drunk as a skunk. On one beer, light beer. People were ducking and diving for cover. I wish I could have been there. I saw him walking down the hallway the other day. I looked at him and said, Don't shoot. If you see people don't see the fun side of dick.

  It takes a good man. He has a good heart. Well, he's a good man. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm feeling chipper tonight. I survived the White House shake up. So I want to talk about some serious issues, such as --

  Okay, here comes. Nuclear Proliferation. Nuclear Proliferation. Nuclear proliferation.

  [Deliberately mispronounced] Nuclear proliferation.

  All right. All right. Maintain. Be cool. Let's give this a try. We must enhance noncompliance, protocols, sanctioned not only at IAEA formal sessions, but through intersessional contact.

  We must enhance noncompliance protocols. Sanction not only at EIEIO formal sessions. But through intersexual conduct.

  Nailed it.

  See, I'm an activist. I object to those stories that say I'm a lame duck. I'm not a lame duck. I'm a sprinting duck. I'm a hustling duck. I'm a leadership of the free world. Duck, duck. And I'm continuing to spread our agenda globally and around the world, as well as internationally.

  Some of my critics in the international community call me arrogant. I will not even honor that with a response. Screw them. Nah, don't say screw them. Let's hit them with some rhetorical eloquence.

  My friends. Our purple mountains with ramparts red glare, white with foam and justice for all fruity planes gallantly streaming from sea to shining sea with a shining city on a shining hill above a shining prairie. And maybe some shiny trees and a few shrubs. I see a shiny America.

  Yes. My fellow Americans, in the words of Sigmund Freud, I have a dream. And one of those dreams is to eliminate barriers. And I saw a wonderful opportunity to do that when I was in China, out on tour, the Chinese countryside with the Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao. I looked him straight in the eye and I said, Mr. President, tear down this wall. You should have seen his face.

  I love America because it's full of Americans. I believe we're an America that should come together. Republican and Democrat. And John McCain. I believe in bipartisan bipartisanship.

  Yeah. You see, it's. It's it's like this here. We can all come together. It's. It's. Here's a visual. See? Here. Looky here. See there. See? There's the church, and there's a staple on the door. Look at all the people you see. They're all happy and wiggling. There's me and Senator Kennedy on the front row.

  You know, I couldn't have said that better myself. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, that ruggedly good looking guy right there, Steve Bridges.

  He's a -- he's a fine talent. In fact, Steve did all my debates with Senator Kerry. He's done most of my news conferences. Steve, I have to say, you could have done a little better in the debates. [Steve Bridges ad-libs "All right. All right."] I want to thank Steve for accepting my invitation to be a part of this fun evening. As most of my predecessors have known, it's really important to be able to laugh in his job.

  And I thank you for giving us a chance to laugh tonight. I got one more thing I want to share with you on my mind. Something that's never far from my mind. God bless our troops. God bless the cause of freedom.

  And God bless America. Thank you. Thank you.