[The following is a FirstDraft -- a machine-generated transcript by our AI, Margaret. She's good, but neither perfect nor human. There will likely be a handful of errors. Please check any quotes against the primary video source. Thank you.]

  Thank you very much. Thank you.

  Thank you very much. Having been told that this is a photo opportunity. I don't have anything to say. Well, first president's incoming and outgoing and one that stuck here. You. You know, speaking of photo opportunities. Up at the ranch. We had one one day and Helen Thomas started to ask a question and I said, Helen, I can't answer it's photo opportunity. She said, I wasn't talking to you.

  I was asking your horse. But you don't know how happy we are to see all of you here tonight. Because while you're here, you can't be listening to any of those unnamed, authoritative sources in the White House. But since this administration is determined to be open and aboveboard, I want you to know that we are installing a tape system in the Oval Office. Adhesive tape right across the mouth.

  I thought of that one day when Sam Donaldson was asking me a question. I mean, you know, speaking of questions, on the way in here tonight, someone handed me one. What is the White House doing to lessen the threat of being caught in a nuclear holocaust? Well, I can assure you we've thought of that. We're putting in smoke alarms. And these. These 15 months have been something of a learning experience.

  We're not on camera, are we? No. All right. I learned that if at first you don't succeed, you get a hell of a lot of advice. And also, I learned that if you're arguing with someone stupid, just make sure he isn't doing the same thing. But I've also learned how important poise is in Washington. Poise that's looking like an owl when you behave like a jackass. You have also learned that influence is what you think you have until you try to use it.

  Incidentally, did you see our old friend Lynn Nofziger on 60 Minutes the other night? You know, they said that he was now an influence peddler. That's ridiculous. Lynn just dresses like a peddler. But I know that we see so little of each other that you're probably curious about what's going on. Well. Jim, what has just declared that the Grand Canyon is not a natural wonder. It's something we inherited from the Democrats, a result of one of their land erosion programs.

  Now. Hey. I'm delighted to see him here tonight because he's really been working hard. It's an 18 hour flight from London to Buenos Aires and 18 hours back. And then it's quite a flight across the Atlantic here. And he's been going back and forth on that route for quite some time. And finally, he got back here at Andrews Air Force Base just the other night, and the jetlag and all of that had gotten to him.

  He got off the plane, shook hands with his wife and kissed Bill Clark. And then, of course, one of the things that the White House says, the dramatic drop in inflation. I cannot tell a lie. We did it with our little meat cleaver. But if you don't laugh better than that, I'll break a dish. You know, though, how impressive that is and what it really means that dropping inflation, the food on your plate tonight only cost 89 and three quarters cents.

  That's not true. I just said that to see how many of you rushed to the kitchen to check me out on the figure. My daughter is running for office in California. Some of the people have said that her name will be a handicap. And I don't see why. I think Maureen is a pretty name, so almost as Irish as Tip O'Neill. And I hope that Leonid Brezhnev can come to New York in June. I want him to see our free press in action.

  I want him to see the contrast between a free press and the controlled press. That's the only thing he knows. They can't be critics critical. They can't criticize him. They can't take pot shots right inside, insulting stories about him when he takes a day off to go swimming. You know, on the other hand, there's something to be said for a controlled press. No, I don't mean that.

  You keep on seeking the truth, and I'll keep on telling it, even though you don't often recognize it when you hear it. But seriously, a free press. Whatever its occasional abuses or excesses, is essential in the pursuit of truth and the preservation of freedom. And the White House press corps is part of the family. Like family members. You're aggravating at times, but you're never unloved.

  And. Would you join me in a toast to that family that I just mentioned and to the people of this blessed new. Land of ours. But we're also privileged to serve. Thank you very much for letting us attend. We were ready to call on a telephone if you wouldn't let us in. But thank you. Who?